Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I’d been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, “Oh my god, just stop it already.” FML

Today, my best friend who I have known for ten years recommended I didn’t continue a relationship with my girlfriend. I thought she wanted to go out with me which I was hoping for, for a long time. Turns out she wanted to go out with her. FML

Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, “And your mom?” Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mom died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, “She still in the same graveyard?” FML